chili cook off

Below is am amusing twist on a classic tale doing the rounds on the web,
this one has a local Hampshire flavour.


Frank is from Southampton. He was lucky enough to win a trip to Texas.
He was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
person called in sick at the last moment and he happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking for directions to the lager tent, when the
call came in. He was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free lager during the tasting, so he accepted.


Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Kinell!!!! What the hell is this stuff geezer? You
could remove dried paint from the hallway in me flat. Took me two kin lagers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy
init.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children, even those I have
fathered. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had
to rush in more lager when they saw the look on my face. This thing thumps
harder then a Portsmouth supporter.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call a fucking doctor geez. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Harpic again. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more fucking lager before I throw up, me local curry
shop is mild compared to this. Did not feel this bad since Southampton were
relegated. Still I'm getting fucking shite-faced from all of the lager init.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out me taste buds? Sally, the beer tart,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT, not as big as Southampton slappers but after this amount of lagers
who gives a fuck geezer?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding on
a considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are minging, old sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
oxygen. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage, she replied I was from Southampton in England and
therefore already brain damaged. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. They must be gay.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My arse is now on fire, this is worse then me chav mates
fucking my arse without margarine. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a bucket of cold lager.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
#3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a bomb in my mouth, set it off, and I wouldn't
feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. Me shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. Me jeans are full of shit to match my shirt init geez. At
least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing its too painful; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - THE POMPEY BAD BOY, exclusive at www.spicetheworld.com..
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence. Good mix of beef, bacon and pork.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Nice and hot. Good
blend of taste including beer and whisky. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot
down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - Fucking Pompey Bad Boy, oh shit. (At that point Judge 3 passed
out).
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